Episode 224-"Driven or Disconnected: The Hidden Cost of Overachievement and Conditional Worth"

[00:00:00] This is the light inside. I'm Jeffrey Beaker.

Belonging., when our sense of validity and worth becomes overly contingent on performance. It fractures emotional capacity and distorts identity embedded in conditional worth as a core organizing schema in the self system. In this episode of the Light Inside, we dive deep into the hidden emotional and identity costs of overachievement.

Guided by performance Coach Albert Bermont. We explore how the compulsion to perform your way into bo belonging often stems from subconscious scripts. Rooted in unresolved shame, cultural conditioning, and internalized narratives of conditional worth. Together we uncover how over-functioning, mass deep emotional needs and how reclaiming somatic coherence and inner safety can help us transition from surviving through performance to thriving and genuine presence.

Tune in to find out how when we return to the light inside.

[00:01:00] [00:02:00]

Jeffrey Besecker: Today we're joined by Albert Bramante.

Albert is a performance coach who guides actors, musicians, and performers in reconnecting their core sense of identity, empowering them to reintegrate, unresolved psychological data as they expand their emotional capacity. I hope that's a good overview for us today. Albert, thank you for joining us. Well, thank

Albert Bramante: you, uh, so much for inviting me, Jeff.

I'm really happy to be here.

Albert, I'm excited to explore the role fragmented sub personas play in triggering the compulsive urge to Overperform and overachieve. Would you share a brief overview of your career in this field and what led you to focus on this area of trauma, reintegration, and personal development.

Albert Bramante: Absolutely. So

just to give you a bit of a context, so I kind [00:03:00] of started working in the performance space because I'm a talent agent by day for actors. Yes. So I represent actors for film, tv, theater, commercial, print, voiceover, and I've been doing that for about the past 20 years or so. And so that has definitely been, I.

A strong area of focus for me.

Jeffrey Besecker: Actors, musicians and performers build their entire careers around playing roles in delivering performances, often measuring their success by how well they perform. Similarly, high achievers unknowingly operate from subconscious scripts or early imprinted narratives, shaping their actions and achievements without their conscious awareness.

From this framework, Albert, what does it mean to perform your way into belonging? And how does this tend to show up in your clients?

Albert Bramante: So when I first started working in the lens of an agent, I was running into issues with actors. Self-sabotaging. And running [00:04:00] into like loops you could say, of just either negative self-talk to some level, to undermining their own performance. And I really came to the conclusion along with other people in my space, in a performer in art space, that a lot of times actors and performers are their own worst enemy.

You know, use it lightly. Of course, in our profession, psychology profession, we use a different terminology for that. But that was in a nutshell what was happening in a layman's sense. So it took me a while to kind of figure out what was really happening here because. A lot of times what I was seeing there was a major verbal disconnect from what the actions of the actors were taking.

So they were, would give the lip service of, Hey, I want to be working. I'm hungry, I'm passionate. All the right words to say. But however, their actions were not aligning to that. Yes. And it took me a bit time to figure out what exactly was going on here. And so while I was going from m [00:05:00] PhD in psychology, we have to do this monumental research project on dissertation, which is something that I enjoy doing, but I probably is one of those once in a lifetime I'll ne don't have to do that again thing.

but I worked out that topic of self-defeating behavior and performing artists. And that kind of led me down the, like you could say, the rabbit hole of looking at perfectionism, procrastination, and trauma. Even a lot of performers on some level are working through their own childhood traumas, working through their own, issues of neglect.

And what I wanna make things very clear about trauma is it doesn't have to necessarily be a sensational event. It could be micro traumas on a daily basis that add up over time. So competing for parents affection, being neglected from parents being raised by an overcritical mother or an overcritical father can [00:06:00] compound over time and we will start responding in a traumatic way, like, you know, trauma response.

So it was kind of like I started to figure out there was something really deeply going on here. So when I did my research study for my dissert sedation, one of the variables I looked at was the five factor model of personality. The big five, what they call it, openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism, which are five fundamental traits that all human beings kind of share on some level.

Now, what varies, differs from person to person is the degree than the combination of all that. So in my research, what I found was high neurosis, which means emotional reactivity and volatil of that compared to low conscientiousness, which is low work ethic. And low focus. You add those combinations together.

And that's the rest of your inconsistent actions, self-sabotage. And that doesn't happen overnight. [00:07:00] A lot of times. Again, that could be, that is the effect of unresolved trauma. And so this really got me focused into really looking at this from a psychological lens. So it explains perfectly why these actors are where they are.

And I'm a big fan of Carl Young's work. You know, the shadow, the persona, and all the other archetypes that are happening here. And it kind of makes perfect sense in a sense of the different type of lens that we put on. So one of the things that really pops in there, a form of self-sabotage is perfectionism.

Because what very often happens to a perfection is that we don't get any actions done. if you're holding from perfection's standpoint, you're more likely to also be procrastinating. And what, I feel like there's a lot of great real good programs out there that you will procrastination and perfectionism.

But I also feel like while they're great at dealing with the symptom and I believe that procrastination and perfectionism are symptoms there's an underlying [00:08:00] cause. So all you're doing is like, if you use a guarding metaphor, if you're dealing with procrastination, all you're doing is picking up the roots from the, the weeds, or the grass.

If you have a, a weed problem, if you don't go underneath the soil, all you're gonna be doing is picking weeds and then outta the mud light or picking up more weeds. And you're gonna have an outta control garden on your hands. Then you'll be sitting there as a gardener. What the hell is happening here?

The same goes with dealing with procrastination, perfectionism. All they are are just weeds.

So this has to be dealt with in a more, detailed level. what I often say is this is why we need, you know, psychoanalysts and psychologists to really work through these issues. Otherwise, again, we're just gonna be like that proverbial hamster wheel going on.

Have you ever watched a hamster? They're, pedaling a by a minute and not moving anywhere. And the same thing goes with human beings and performance. If we don't deal with these word issues, we're gonna be fighting, fighting and fighting and not making any traction.

Speaker: I think this [00:09:00] framing today, looking at actors and performers gives us a very unique opportunity to look at how inherently, you know, based on research by Jan and several others, that illustrates how all human behavior is inherently performative in nature and we're taking on different roles, different personas and personalities, just as you mentioned.

So that gives us a unique and neat way to look at filtering how as actors, we step in these roles as human beings. We're all somewhat actors or performers throughout life, stepping into various roles, how we manage and negotiate that then, as you mentioned, becomes part of that process. So as a person working with performers, Albert, what you unique challenges?

Do you feel that's presented? Because you know, here we've got individuals who are inherently driving to perform, take on different roles, yet that becomes enmeshed and inflated with their own core personality, and that's kind of a metaphor for how we do it as [00:10:00] human beings throughout our daily lives.

Wouldn't you agree?

Absolutely.

Albert Bramante: And even going back to the core identities, let's look at Young's concept of persona, which is really a mask that we put on. You know, or right now I'm putting persona, performance psychologist. I'm hanging out with my friends. I'll be putting on a friend persona. Now, ultimately, the identities and personas should be unified, hopefully.

But with actors, a lot of times they're taking on roles or characters that might be different than their core identity. However, if we look at identity work. Even if we look at performance work, for instance, when you are physically performing a role, which is what actors do, you start with the physicality of, of the character, and then You slowly adapt. What winds up happening is the neurology in the nervous system will start to also adapt to the character. So you now become a living, breathing element, of the character. You're no longer acting anymore, which is gives us great performances if you're [00:11:00] a consumer. However, it can also add up time.

'cause especially if you combine that identity that the actor is taking with their own trauma and you mix it together, it can almost be like a ticking time bomb. For instance, if any of your reviewers remember the movie, the Dark Knight. That came out, 16 years ago, 17 years ago. And the main actor, he's Ledger unfortunately tragically died soon after the release of the movie.

Mm-hmm. And a lot of people were speculating that it was kind of like that role that he played took him over the edge over time. And it was really at the end of the day, it was that role that really led to the demise of the character, you know, and, and the actor. So that I would definitely say can, can add up over time that aspect.

and also one of the [00:12:00] things about the lifestyle of the performer of the artist is it's very. By, in a traditional sense, not stable enough. Like when we talk about, in a conventional sense, where there's a nine to five job, there's no guarantee that you're gonna be employed tomorrow or next week, next month.

And because of the high competitiveness in the oversaturation of actors in the, you know, especially if you're in New York or la, what's gonna wind up happening is you're gonna receive more nos than you're gonna receive yeses. That's the reality of the business. And that can add up over time,

and that can start to again, compound. Now, the trauma of receiving all these nos Can be a snowball effect, because now it starts to trigger. Previous traumas. this is why some people in an everyday life can handle a certain adversity than others, because every time we experience a trauma, it's a cataclysmic effect because [00:13:00] unresolved traumas then come to the surface.

So that's what some people can be more resilient than others because maybe they've resolved or worked through previous traumas that were faced years ago. Now they're faced with new traumas that add to a compounding effect of, now you're having a brief strong reaction to trauma.

Jeffrey Besecker: Often the body subsystems begin to intercept distress before the conscious mind can make sense of it. Yet, the salience network plays a key role in directing what gets noticed or encoded and sometimes dismissed as threat. What somatic patterns or interceptive cues do you often observe in clients whose narratives remain stuck in chronic activation or in those unresolved loops?

And how does this show up in the way we present or relate to our narratives and belief systems, for example?

Albert Bramante: Well, going back to even just the need for belonging as human beings, we're social animals, so we have a [00:14:00] need to belong.

Even if you're the, you hear the person that says, I don't need anybody, they, they're probably the person who needs people the most. So we have a fundamental need for belonging. And especially I think that's true for performers because I think that's, we're performing for validation, and this could be due to unresolved childhood trauma.

I remember years ago I was listening to an award presentation, uh, an award show, and one of the actors, one of the hosts got up and said, in the beginning. To keep the, speeches short. And one comment that he made that really stood out for me was, I don't wanna hear about your perfect childhood.

Because if you had a perfect childhood, you wouldn't be an actor. And I really took a step back and I said, that makes a lot of sense. Because there's that need for validation. That's why you're performing. That's why it's like, Hey, hey everyone, look at me. And there's nothing fundamentally wrong with that.

I mean, that's what keeps us entertained. But there is that fundamental need of, Hey, look at me. I need to be the center of attention on some level [00:15:00] and that I'm, all of us wanna be the center of attention. I mean, you know, going back to the fundamental, back to our parents, especially our moms, we, every child wants to be the center of their mom's and dad's attention.

That's fundamental Child Detachment bonding 1 0 1, which. In the real world, that may not always happen because maybe the parents are true preoccupied. They have their own emotional traumas and they have the inability to bond effectively with their child, which can then create like breaks and attachment breaks and bonding, and therefore creating an external need for validation.

Hello, performing now. And so over time you know, that becomes a, a subconscious script or I need validation. I need performance. And again, I'm not saying validation is a bad thing. We all need that. Yes, that's a fundamental need in the human condition. And even if you have pets, they need validation and love too.

So that's not, you know, anyway, [00:16:00] insinuating that there's anything pathologizing anybody, just because you have that need for validation, we all do. It's a fundamental need. The fundamental thing you may need. However, if we don't get that or, or receive an adequate number left from our parents, we're gonna seek that elsewhere and connecting to audiences to get that attention and approval.

So there could be, you know, and, and it varies to, to degrees of how that plays out and what the degree of the trauma and the degree the neglective will determine upon, again, the emotional functioning. 'cause there's a lot of high functioning performance out there that have fulfilling lives that they still, you know, might need that have that need to perform.

However, if you wrote with the script is, I'm not enough because maybe that's the imprint we receive from our parents. you, and, and what I often say is like, and, and I don't necessarily mean that parents are blatantly dealing with their child. They're not enough. We can infer that subconsciously from their behavior.

A five-year-old child may not [00:17:00] understand that mommy and daddy are busy or that mommy and daddy have other problems going up. A five-year-old child is just gonna think, mommy and daddy doesn't love me because they dismissed me, or they sent me to my room, or they yelled at me, or they, you know, told me to leave them alone and therefore that's gonna internalize.

And our subconscious mind takes everything literally you know, that's an unfortunate thing. So even though a person may not, may now be a grown man or woman, they may still have that subconscious imprint of five years old, I'm not enough. I need to be loved.

Speaker: Yeah. We're often vacillating between those two different areas of the brain and the amygdala where we're more emotionally activated and then again, backed into, I.

The salient network with the prefrontal and the anterior singular cortex, you know, where we start to be able to draw in that conscious awareness and that logic and reasoning. So that's a whole nother ball game. to me that speaks to, while action can be a form of expression or identity performance, this process [00:18:00] sometimes gets conflated or exaggerated, maybe with a rigid belief system.

And we blur that line between our authentic values and that performative display you mentioned. So as we're moving into those identity roles, sometimes we experience that internalized guilt or shame of either a past trauma or a belief system, or that drive for compuls perfectionism and over functioning, where that activated neural system comes in.

Mm-hmm. So in that regard, how is over performance linked to unresolved shame and how does this fusion of. fragmented identity or a compartmentalized identity start to unfold from your perspective?

Well,

Albert Bramante: there's that, again, that need for perfectionism, that fragmented identity comes into i, you know, almost like going back to the punitive.

So what winds up happening is you have a person who has that inner voice, that inner critic that comes in. one of the psychologists I really liked studying was Karen or I, [00:19:00]

Jeffrey Besecker: yeah.

Albert Bramante: And one of the things she talks about is we operate on a self-defeating or self beating berating thing called the tyranny of the shoulds.

So I should do this, I should do that. But then we start taking on the, the, the identity of maybe the critical parent and. Winds up happening is we start hearing the voice or we taking on a persona of the inner parent or our critical parent that starts telling us our dreams are not that good. You know, or that you need to be do better.

You're not doing enough. You need to do better. And what's interesting is even I've, I've worked with people that their parents could even be deceased, and yet they're still influencing their lives. The parents have been long gone, but yet they're still hearing mom or dad's voice in the back of their head and taking on their, their identity.

And even with the parents are alive. When you become an adult, you, you kind of are really taking on that part of that identity, that critical [00:20:00] voice. So you often have. Various different parts in what you talk about fragmented identities. 'cause you have one side of you that really wants to achieve and really wants to be productive.

But then you have the other side of you that is the critical part that is telling you, you are not worth it. You are not serious enough. But this project isn't gonna work out. And especially if you're an actor, please, you haven't gotten to booked a job in two or three months. What kind of actor are you?

And you start beating yourself up. Because very often when, when actors will beat themselves up, one of the things I'll have to ask. And so, so who told you this? And they can't really answer that. Yeah. It's like, well I don't, No. And you start taking a mentality, well, I can't do anything, right? See, I can't even book a job, or I can't even do this project.

Or I can, because taking on the identity of that critical parent, which the identity of the critical parent can be more, more critical than parent actually was. Because you e you know, it becomes exaggerated, critical, much more intense [00:21:00] so it can then start adding to, I need to be, and then that goes back to the perfectionism again, because now you need to be perfect.

Now this is not, this is off one a little bit. I need to be perfect. So, and then nothing will get done. And then you're in the self-defeating drop of nothing being done and you sitting on the sidelines of life pretty much.

Speaker: So much of that can be embedded or conditioned belief based on social narratives or just even implied narratives.

Things, you know, we see through our cultures and things we reinforce in our projected beliefs. I think it's important here to ear mark how even. How we attribute that. You know, we often assign it to thinking patterns, mindset, the brain. Yet it's inherently ingrained in our neural imprints, throughout our subsystems of the body.

we often, sometimes we'll move into the guilt and shame and the stigmatism of even our thinking, our beliefs, our brains, you know? Mm-hmm. Yet we don't recognize that process of [00:22:00] embodied neuroception and interoception, unconsciously the body, quote unquote. And these subsystems start to intercept distress before we even start to consciously perceive it.

Before the salience network in the brain starts to notice it, encode it and dismiss or validate threat.

Albert Bramante: Exactly. And. A lot of times, again, it's the, the imagining. So as human beings, we tendency to do three distortions, well, three, three exaggerations, deletions, distortions, generalizations. Yes. So cognitive dissonance.

Exactly. We start to dismissing, deleting the important things that we've done, the achievements that we've made, and then we distort the criticism that we might have received or the protocol information we received, and then we generalize it. Yes. Uh, you know, and, and sometimes what's, what's really helpful as a coach is to gently challenge that, if somebody tells you, well, I [00:23:00] can't do anything right?

And you are like, well, anything. You got up this morning, you got dressed. Yes. You drove to whatever it is you need to do. You did something. You know, or it's like nobody appreciates me. You mean nobody, you've interviewed everybody on the face of the earth and nobody appreciates you. And then they will laugh and say, well I didn't, you know that?

Yeah, of course. Because we generalize and we distort and we delete. So, and that goes, I think that relates to the projection that we were just talking about and the cognitive dissonance is that dismissal of important information. And a lot of times, again, we can distort our childhood experiences, which is why we know that memory is not reliable 100%.

A lot of times people think that memories are like snapshots and they're not. Very often our memories may be completely different than what actually happened. Factually, yes, because we're using our own projections, our own distortions, our own generalizations. [00:24:00] To cloud that memory. And case in point, like you, like let's say you have a family memory, and ask your brother or your sister about the memory and they have a completely different recollection of what happened.

And then it becomes a question who's right and who's wrong. And the answer's neither. So it really depends on, on the situations. But our memories can also be distorted by our own projections, our own dissonance, our own trauma.

Speaker: I think it's essential at that juncture to reinforce the idea that A, those patterns are naturally wired to us.

You know, they're part of our natural evolution. Guiding us toward making. Quick, necessary decisions to meet our values and needs. You know, it's, essential to frame it that way, so we don't begin subjectively distort that in our own presenting. it's guiding us toward finding that felt sense of safety.

Am I safe and secure to act in this method? Am I safe and connected to my environment? Are there needs that aren't being met as the biggest thing? I think that [00:25:00] that signal points us to what underlying need or under-recognized stimulus or need might be driving that interaction.

Albert Bramante: 100%. And these mechanisms kept our species alive for thousands of years and they still do

Speaker: very realistically.

And they still do the purest sense. Yeah. And we can conflate that sometimes even that need to, sometimes we undersell the importance and significance of survival of living to exist another day. Sometimes that itself can begin that snowball effect of, well, now I have this conflated or distorted idea of survival based on performance itself.

sometimes we undersell that, like you mentioned, appreciating, be able to feel the earth below us to take another breath, to connect with our loved ones, to connect with ourselves. Yet what do we start to do? We start to conflate that based on performance metrics. Well, now somehow I am just surviving can become diminished.

Mm-hmm. Yet there is [00:26:00] a very real state where we start to feel that lack of need because we aren't moving forward, we aren't growing. There are unmet needs. Exactly.

Albert Bramante: And this is why I often feel that, you know, going back why I like young and the concept of shadow, which is the, pain, the undesirable things and the, I think another.

Thing that kinds of makes or conflates, this is when we try to hide it and try to hide this and say, you know, think positive or that toxic positivity movement that called in the yoga circles, which is like that, oh, don't worry, be happy everybody's all nama stay and, and all great, which can have its place, but it's unrealistic.

And then, you know, let's say you're part of that community and you start to have these thoughts, it's like then you start beating yourself up for having these thoughts. Well I should be happy all the time. What's going on here? And I think going back to just realizing this is a fundamental survival mechanism.

is Eric, keep us alive. And again, it helped us avoid the tigers and the predators of our [00:27:00] past to help us be alive today. We wouldn't be here today if we didn't have these mechanisms. As a species. We wouldn't be even having this conversation right now. Yes. So the important thing is to recognize.

That this is happening and that recognizing this is a normal part of the human experience and even appreciate it to some level and work through it. Now, one of the ways when people ask, well, how do you work through it? It's like the first thing is having insight because most of the people are, are running an automatic pilot with all these programs going on.

By them having no idea what's happening, it's like the system's going haywire. Nobody knows how to fix it. And because they're, they're just operating day in and day out. And then when they get on their deathbed, it's like, I lived a unfulfilled

Speaker: life.

To me that speaks inherently and importantly to the role the nervous system plays, and it's a very critical role in detecting threat, first and foremost.

Mm-hmm. And then it's key tasks of establishing pacing [00:28:00] or how quickly. Or slowly, sometimes it's a slowly, we're able to interact with those interactions in those stimuli and the tone or the context and situational factors that we're experienced. How that then shapes that concept of psychological safety.

Am I adapting to the environment? Is there a need in the environment? Is there something within me that I have to sometimes shift or adapt to? And how that establishes emotional capacity overall. How much am I able to hold and interact with in this circumstance?

Albert Bramante: 100%. And this goes into the whole questions, am I enough?

Am I doing enough? What's going on here? And I think adding what, what I think even compounds is like the whole idea of even being addicted to social media, because I. when you spend a lot of time on social media, which is what a lot of millennials and Gen Zs do, they spend time consuming hours of social media a day.

They're seeing [00:29:00] people putting their best projections forward of how their life is great. And then you're sitting there as the average are thinking, really, I'm not living anything. Look at these people are doing everything right. And yet we don't realize they're projecting too, when they're posting. And they may be just as miserable as we are.

So, but just adding to that factor Yes. And research has demonstrated this more allergies than the social media, the works we feel about ourselves and about life. Yeah. Because we're dealing in our own traumas are coming up, then we're seeing these projections of other people and thinking, what's wrong with my life?

Yes. What's, what's missing in my life?

Speaker: That to me, that right there is the key, the key to cracking the nut here when we can begin to recognize those things in ourselves. And the goal isn't to spot them in others, but just simply recognize and relate them to others. You know, it's a very relational role.

I see this in myself. So now hopefully we develop that capacity, that space tone and ability to [00:30:00] recognize it in others and just simply hold that space for them with empathy, with compassion, with caring concern. Mm-hmm. And just simply mirror it back

Albert Bramante: abs. Absolutely. And very often when I, you know, a lot of times when people get triggered by other people, it's really fundamentally something within you.

Yes.

And inherently one of the I do with my students, to start doing some shadow work on that. Yes. I will ask them to list two or three people that really get they're blood boiling, that they don't like. That they say they don't like. On a conscious level. Yes. And then they'll list the qualit say, so how many of them remind you of you?

Powerful. And their eyes open quick. It's like, that really makes sense. I'm like, most of them. 'cause I would say not, I would say 99.9% of them that the time, at some point it's, it's reflecting back to you. So when you get emotionally [00:31:00] affected by someone or someone gets under your skin, it has nothing to do with the other person.

it's something within you that is coming out. and that might be, again, due to unresolved, you know, drama or unresolved. Work that needs to be worked with. And so this, this is part of the reason why it's really important for us to understand ourselves. And because once we're able to do that, then we can hold compassion and empathy to even people that are doing things that we might not personally agree with.

We can still hold them with empathy and may we not agree with their actions, but we can still hold them with empathy and love and, and compassion. but in order to do that, we have to work through ourselves. And if we're gonna be compassionate and empathy towards those people, we need to have empathy and compassion for ourselves.

Speaker: You mentioned how those scripts often become self-fulfilling or self-handicapping prophecies and how that surfaces not only in high perfection, high functioning individuals, but with all of us. You know, we gotta be honest and transparent here. We all [00:32:00] experience, I. Those moments. Mm-hmm. So from that perspective, what role does identity fragmentation play in starting to form these avoidant and protective parts that we tend to expect?

Well,

Albert Bramante: avoidant, protective, uh, keep in mind our ego is gonna be there to protect us at all times.

Speaker: Yes.

Albert Bramante: It's woven in

Speaker: every function we have as a human being. Everything we can do and,

Albert Bramante: and it's gonna protect us from perceived danger. So a lot of times we might even fear success or fear of actually moving forward because that's gonna equal change, that's gonna equal instability.

And that's scary for almost every human being is mm-hmm. Changing instability. So what better way to protect us by. Not having us reach that way. And so then we could develop the production. I need to do it right. I need to do it right. yeah, I need to invest in this course. I need to invest in this training before I can put myself out there.

I one more class, one more training, one more thing, and you know, I'll call myself out on this [00:33:00] too for years would I, before I wrote my book for years, I was sitting in front of a computer. I'd write a couple of pages and then delete them. And it just became a loop where I was like realizing that no matter if, if I didn't change how I fundamentally approach things, I would never be happy.

I would just keep writing and deleting because it's, it's not, has nothing to do with the actual work. Yeah. As to do with my own perfectionism there. And hence my procrastination because for years I kept telling people I'm gonna write a book and. I never did until I took action and just did that. So going back to even the identity that we give until what the actors, for instance, if you adopt the identity of the starving artist or the tortured artist or the broke actor for some reason, and, and I'm not quite sure, but that's romanticized the Starving Artist.

It's like that, that cliche. Mm-hmm.

Speaker: And well, I think, I'm speculating, I'm gonna hold on that maybe, it becomes a stigmatized pattern, you know, and there again, [00:34:00] we're looking at social imperatives and social beliefs. Um, I, I was starting to go to a very biased perspective of that, but yeah, it does reinforce some of those belief patterns, and I'll leave it at that.

Albert Bramante: Yeah, no, and absolutely reinforce, we start to see where we

Speaker: filter it. And as somebody who grew up, I say grow up an artist. I, you know, have a background in art. I have a background in music and. I know those narratives, I know those scripts. I know those socially conditioned patterns of belief and I'll leave it at that.

Absolutely.

Albert Bramante: And it's true they social conditioned on some level because that's what everyone wants to believe. So, I think, conditioned belief and, that can affect our identity is around money. Mm-hmm. And abundance. Yeah. And because one of the fundamental truths, well that was distorted growing up that we may have heard is money is root all evil.

And which is obviously, we know it was misquoted and taken outta context. Yes. The, the true quote in [00:35:00] the Bible was the love of money was the ruin of all eagle, which it's over

Speaker: generalized. It's

Albert Bramante: overgeneralizing

Speaker: as well. Even that is over. We lack context and situational meaning there lack, and we're not consider the other factors.

Albert Bramante: Lack money is neutral. So, but if we adapt that pattern. We don't wanna be evil, we don't wanna be stingy, we don't wanna be greedy. So therefore, let's protect you from money. Now, now you need protection for money and you need the way to protect you from money is keep you in the poor cycle, self-fulfilling prophecy.

And therefore that will self-sabotage. Because now I don't wanna be, you know, and, and even though you might say consciously, I wanna make money, you're a subconscious mind saying, but I need to protect you from money. cause money's evil. which obviously we know it's not. But that's the program that we received growing up, or the messaging we received from maybe our family, that rich people are greedy and evil and, and, and, and bad people.

And therefore we internalize that by saying, well, I'm not gonna be, I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person, [00:36:00]therefore I must be poor. Of course, you may not constantly say that, but internally that's what's happening.

Speaker: Yeah. And I think there's a certain level of awareness that sometimes we do hum along with, you know, and it, we might not express it directly, like you said, surfacing then as those conflated self-effacing behaviors or quote unquote playing small.

You know, as we seek that social acceptance, we sometimes shrink our value or our worth in a lot of different ways. So how do you see that tending to surface as a fawning response and something like over acqui? Over acquiescence? And that's why we don't use the word, because it's hard to say, or at least that's my excuse expressed as people pleasing behaviors.

Albert Bramante: Well, the one thing with people pleasing, the root of that is we need approval and love from other people. And again, if you grew up in the environment where. You might not have get received the love that you may have wanted or grade from your parents. So now you start craving that in other aspects of your life.

And [00:37:00] therefore you just become a people pleaser. You become a martyr and it sounds like, yeah, I'll do it. And you, when you say yes, and fundamentally you said no. And if you find yourself, saying yes to saying the requests and every part of your being is saying, no, you don't want to do this. Then you're in a people pleasing cycle. it can often lead to, it can be very self-destructive of people pleasing cycle because it's going to require a lot of energy, a lot of energy on your part and a lot of sacrifice. And then resentment will start kicking in because you start to take the viewpoint, look what I'm doing for everybody and I'm not getting any appreciation or love back.

Or the, the acceptance back, and I say this from a recovering people pleaser, you know myself. Yeah. What I noticed, and this is tragically with, most public speaking, most people pleasers, I should say, often find themselves creating the exact opposite of what we're trying to do. [00:38:00] Yeah. Yeah. That's where my

Speaker: mind was already going.

Albert Bramante: It causes to actually have people lose respect for us and lose opportunities. Because, and, and it's not just because we're people lose because we also might have subconscious, passive aggressive tendencies that we don't even realize we're doing in a sense. So, that kind of repels other people and it doesn't cause re you know, other people to respect us.

So the important thing is learning to set boundaries. And being okay with saying no. Now, if you grew up in a family where you had to respect mom and dad at Word at every time you, you know, and if there were no boundaries in your life, because sometimes parents will raise children in houses where we don't have closed doors.

Yeah. Every door must be open and everything must be out in the open.

we have our own poor boundary integration. And that can lead to us not knowing how to set our own boundaries. And then we go into that upward cycle of, of people pleasing and wanting people to like us because we're [00:39:00] still bringing the script to that five-year-old child trying to get mommy and daddy's love.

But now we're just an adult. And it's different context. You know, there's different representational figures, which is, could be our boss, could be our, coworkers. It could be. The, clients we serve, that we start to project or transfer that our par, you know, going back to that five-year-old child again, we become that five yearold child with these people again.

Like, please love me. Please like me. Yeah.

Speaker: So for me, that sets relational tone or context of how many high performers tend to deflect compliments or reject praise as they interact with that. And kind of setting a paradoxical play there where we're seeking that approval, we're seeking that validation, yet now we inherently struggle to accept it when it's very real and genuine.

Albert Bramante: Yeah. And this is why a lot of people have a difficult time accepting compliments. And they don't know what to do. And that's what, I was having a conversation with someone [00:40:00] and, and it was a context where I really couldn't challenge 'em as a coach, but they were just going ranting on and on about how they're sick of another, always compliments them and annoys them to no end.

And I'm like, okay. I, and it was in a context where I really couldn't, but I was like, this is very fascinating to me. Now, if you're saying this is annoying you, I almost wanna unpack that.

Speaker: What is that discomfort point? You know, where does, does that context stand? Yeah, exactly. Where is that

Albert Bramante: really, is it really about the other person?

Because I guarantee it's not

It, it's something deeper. Yeah. That goes on. Because fundamentally it goes back to ourselves again.

Speaker: That 99% and then that 1% of time might be a very abusive or forward facing behavior. I'd like to, yeah.

Albert Bramante: And, and, and, and sometimes compliment behavior can be. A manipulative tactic at some level because it's like you're only compli the person to what you want.

Or if it's an abusive relationship, it goes into that cycle of abuse and a honeymoon and an abuse and then an honeymoon cycle. And then that can often be confusing. [00:41:00] Yeah. To, to one's psyche over time, and therefore we just start rejecting the compliments that we receive.

Speaker: Now you have to acknowledge that that percentage is also an overgeneralization, and that's default programming again, you know, we try to pin it down to that percentage.

Yet as humans, we're very diverse and emerging. You know, our behavior shift constantly. Yeah. So frame that so we don't become rigid in that.

Albert Bramante: Yeah. Or we generalize ourselves.

Speaker: I'm catching my filters today.

Albert Bramante: We all have filters, but that's the whole thing

Speaker: too. So looking at that role of. Internal external conflict, how our identities become conflicted sometimes, how our relationships with others become conflicted sometimes.

What role do you feel those drama triangles or drama identity start to play? Where we feel that conflict, you know, where we might lean into victimhood or we might play the rescuer, or we might move into that exiled role of prosecutors sometimes.

Albert Bramante: Well, I, I think [00:42:00] again, it's gonna keep coming back to childhood.

Patterns. So we start recognizing similarities to certain patterns, arguments coming up, disagreements. And even though it might be a very neutral disagreement, our subconscious mind is gonna go back. Okay. We're that five-year-old child again in the living room, or mommy and daddy are disagreeing right now.

Therefore, I'm gonna adopt a pattern of either the overly peacekeeping role, I'm gonna, you run and retreat. I'm gonna overly comply, or I'm gonna be overly combative. Depending on what you used to survive back then, that's gonna kick in now until you again do some shadow work or some work, you know, interpersonal work being done.

Otherwise, these patterns are going to keep repeating up over and over again.

Speaker: So, I think from my perspective today, we've covered a lot of ground in shaping how those feedback loops and those filters shape the perception of our core identity and mm-hmm. How that tends to surface. from your [00:43:00] perspective, I, is there anything more we're missing here today in that regard?

Albert Bramante: No, I, I mean the, the biggest importance is just going back to. Childhood and really coming to the realization that we're reenacting a lot of patterns that we've used as children So one type of work that is often done in at, at least in my circles, is inner childhood in child healing.

So all of us have an inner five-year-old. We all have an even an inner 3-year-old that can sometimes be acting out or acting, you know, for attention and for love. Now, it may manifest itself in different context. Again, be the pleasing, aggressive, hostility, manipulation, but it's still needing that fundamental love and acceptance.

So I think everyone who's listening or anyone who's just in general can benefit from doing some inner child work or inner child healing. Because again, these patterns that are just gonna [00:44:00] keep repeating, although they may be in different contexts, the themes are gonna keep repeating themselves habitually over and over again.

Speaker: to me that speaks to, from a therapeutic level, and again, I'm gonna try to break this down because I'm trying to find ways to contextualize this. That role of pendulation, we think of a pendulum, something that swings back and forth very often. Not only our emotional tone and pace swings back and forth between that acceptance and that kind of rejection, we feel we swing back and forth between the comfort and the discomfort.

Sometimes we swing back and forth between this rooted identity of self-acceptance and this needing identity that's seeking validation, you know? So that itself creates a tone and a pace, you know? Mm-hmm. How fastly or slowly we shift. Often controls that sense of safety or guides that sense of safety.

And then that capacity, eventually we develop that skill or trait and it's a skill or trait to [00:45:00] expand that capacity to hold a larger or longer window to be in that emotional regulation and safety.

Albert Bramante: Yeah. And, and that's really the fundamental thing that motivates and operates that we're operating from on a daily basis with safety and again, or, or just respond to perceived threats.

And sometimes the, that safety need may be an overdrive depending on, again, unresolved trauma. So there's a fundamental theme that it'll keep coming up here.

Speaker: Yeah. So to me that illustrates then how we fundamentally, I. Seek that drive to over control, where we resist that vulnerability, where we resist that nurturing urge to say, Hey, you know, sometimes we're a little wobbly, sometimes we're a little over here, sometimes we're a little over there.

That's okay because that's truly human. So as we wrap up here today, Albert, what are some core tips, traits, or practices we can develop not [00:46:00] only as performers but as individuals to expand that window of capacity and move through some of this?

Albert Bramante: I would say number one would be self-compassion forgiving yourself.

Because we talk a lot about forgiving other people, which is important. Forgiveness that we know is is extremely important. However, a lot of times what we need to do is forgive the person that's in the mirror, staring us in the mirror and forgiving us from the things that we've done in the past. And you know, taking some active time to just 10 minutes a day and just reflect on sending love to yourself and forgiving yourself and just really in front of the mirror or just as affirma.

One of the biggest affirmation I think you can tell yourself is, I'm enough. I'm enough. Yeah. And just, you know, over and over again, that would be the fundamental practice I would do. And then seek out the help of a coach. The one thing I really want to drive home is [00:47:00] that it is not a sense of weakness to ask someone for help support a soft landing

Speaker: space.

Albert Bramante: We all can use that. What? Regardless of how level of performance we're at, yes, we can always use the help of another person. So I really encourage you to do that.

Speaker: I wanna thank you today, Albert. This truly has been such an expanding reminder for me to reconnect with those softer parts, those vulnerable parts.

I know it's not always easy for me. I tend to project and perform into that strong identity that rescue our identity or some of those manager identities. Yeah. Because we're, what we're trying to do is we have it all together. Yeah. And I can feel a lump as that starts to rise and I voice it, you know? And that's that unconscious somatic signal saying, yes.

You're struggling to admit it right now.

Albert Bramante: Yeah, exactly. And what I often say is I'm not so concerned about the person who's, let's say, [00:48:00] the software tragedy, and they're acting really emotional. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about the person who seems to have it all together.

Speaker: That's the tendency I know I tend to have, you know, and I'm, I'm humbly acknowledging that to myself first and foremost today. You know, that that's inherently me in certain degrees. When I step back from it with an honest filter, something that we were cultured in our upbringing, you know, have it together, find an answer question can become a little wobbly and out of bounce as we move in that tone and ation, sometimes it's a little bit maladaptive, sometimes it's a little overcompensating.

I have to acknowledge and accept that within me, and I can in this moment say, yes. I do tend to run into that.

Albert Bramante: Yeah, and, and that's the first fundamental step for any type of healing we're working through, is just knowing yourself and knowing these patterns and. That's where you can start to coach yourself and become your own internal therapist and coach by [00:49:00] recognizing these patterns.

Because then when you, only, when you recognize the patterns, can you do a pattern interrupt and interrupt that pattern and change it.

Speaker: Well, thank you. Thank you for sharing that insight today. And more importantly, had you not created that safe, vulnerable space for me today, I may not have been able to openly acknowledge that and move into it.

So thank you, my friend, for truly mirroring that back to me of, of course. And, and thank you for allowing me to, uh, giving me the space too. You are such alike and such a source of wisdom. Namaste, the like, meek knowledge is a like, and you, thank you so much for this today. Thank you again, Jeffrey, for having me.

I'd love to have you back anytime you'd like to join us. I'd love to come back on too. I feel like we can unpack so much more and take this in so many different directions. Yeah. Thank you truly for connecting with us. Thank you. We'll talk soon. Talk soon. Bye-Bye

As we close today's episode, Albert and I explored the hidden cost of overachievement. [00:50:00] Unpacking how the drive to prove our worth through performance often stems from deeply ingrained patterns of adaptive self abandonment, unresolved shame, and internalized cultural narratives. We examined how this compulsion while once protective can fragment identity, suppress emotional capacity, and keep us stuck in cycles of burnout and disconnection through somatic and traumatic informed lenses.

We uncover how healing begins by recognizing these behaviors, not as flaws, but as loyal protectors and how reclaiming presence, coherence, and self-compassion allows us to shift from overperforming. To belonging today's coachable moment. Every part of you, yes. Even the ones that overwork, overgive, or overprotect is valid and necessary and was born from a deep desire to keep you safe.

This is your subtle reminder that it's okay to honor all those parts with deep love, compassion, and grace. If you found value and meaning in [00:51:00] today's episode. Please share it with a friend or loved one. And as always, we're grateful for you, our valued listening community. This has been the Light Inside.

I'm Jeffrey Besecker.